Questions & Emotions
I think we’ll all agree to say not knowing is hard. Uncertainty isn’t super comfortable. In a way, knowing is safety. In theory, if we know something, it won’t change (in an ideal world, specially made for anxious people like me who hate people who change their minds, that’d be a dream!)
But I realized lately that questions could be used as a means to avoid what we do know, avoid we feel.
It’s been the case these last weeks, and I know it has been before as well. Trying to have answers that I obviously don’t have, and that I will only find with time and the consequences of my actions, was meant to avoid feeling what was here.
In moments of intense pain or discomfort, it’s easy to try and find solutions to a situation I am trying to avoid at any cost. But emotions don’t need answers to these questions: “Is it the right decision? What do I want? And later? What will be the consequences of what I think I should do?” It just robs me from feeling what I feel.
In intense joy that is pretty much the same. I’ve seen myself asking very interesting though completely useless questions. “How do I make it stay? How do I handle this joy, should I be hopping around in the street? What makes me this happy?" Here again, I am not leaning in joy anymore, I am in my head. My dear anxious head. The answers to these questions are not relevant at this point. It might sound weird but it’s not as easy as you would think to be so happy you don’t know if you should laugh, cry, hop, scream, dance, roll yourself into a ball.
Intense emotions and sensations are amazingly difficult. My brain would do anything for that intensity to stop. And I know really really really well (without trying to brag but you know, years of practice) how to think my way through feelings and sensations.
This means discipline to learn to live with intensity. To let got of the questions, tell our heads: “I like you dear, but right now is not the right time for planning, reflecting, and decisions, we’ll do that later.” Now is the space for intense feelings and sensations.
In these moments I started asking myself: “Is it really important for you to know that, right now?”, and when my heart is breaking in million pieces or exploding into fireworks, the answer is usually no. I let the waves move through me. And then I’ll know. I let emotions be information about what is happening for me, not answers.