I was quietly working out (does quietly working out sound weird to you too?!) just like (almost let’s be honest) every morning, and thinking about my sex life.
Sexuality is such a fascinating subject, this is really at the center of everything that makes us human: the need for connection, insecurities, body-mind relationship, desire, vulnerability, judgments, lack, love, pain, gender identities, healing... Anyway, yes, I’ll write about (heterosexual as this is my experience) sex. This is a bit weird and scary, but I see other women do it, and it is very inspiring. Thank you @hannahwitton @sexplanations @omgyesdotcom (if you don't yet, go follow them)
So, I was thinking about how I want to make sex part of my everyday life.
And, then I wondered: what does it mean to make sex part of my life? Recently introduced to the idea of small continuous improvement (Thank you Lydie for the couch story—and for the cutlery thing, but that’s another matter), I wonder what small improvement I could make? At that point, out of nowhere ... something struck me! #DrumRoll
Sex isn’t just my sex. Like what?! This is actually NOT ONLY the sexualized parts of my body. #BigNews #IKnowThatMightSeemObvious Let me explain, I’ve often felt like my body was a collection of pieces, and what mattered were the ones a man could f**k: my mouth, my breasts, my sex, my butt. My body is a get-together of pieces linked together by other pieces that have to be as “thin” as possible not to distract from the main thing, a thing. An object of desire or disgust, a thing people look at. Everyone seems to have an opinion about that thing. A thing is not a person. The value for a thing is based on how useful it is. See where I’m going? —Just to put it out there, and I don’t mean to be mean, because it’s not nice to be mean: Dear everyone, KEEP YOUR OPINION TO YOURSELF!— #selflove #sexpedition
So I accepted these ideas as an absolute truth, sex is being someone’s thing, this is these erogenous zones, in this order, this way. And really this English terminology for dating isn’t helping “first base”, “second base”, “home run” etc. So it has to happen this way: kisses, breasts, fingers/mouth, penetration, end. Sex is for pleasure, really? Clearly not mine. And in my sex life with myself, I apply the same ideas. What the hell?! #fun Let me tell you that realizing my whole body, and mind, deserved the attention that is usually strictly meant for some specific parts was quite a shock to me. Wait, am I a complete person?! #MindBlown
While I was trying to want things that are not even close to what my experience of pleasure is, I was forgetting a whole lot of pieces of me. And I was also forgetting that, even though today I am safe and loved, the times when I felt unsafe, used, humiliated, objectified, the times when hurt was just “normal,” when I said yes when I wanted to say no... #NeverEndingList still have consequences. Even if it makes me angry, and I wish it didn’t. But if I don’t want what I have learned to want, what do I actually want? #BlankStare Do I do this wrong? Am I the problem? My body? And actually, am I still lovable? #ScaryQuestions
I haven't found my answers to all these questions. But to answer the one from the start. Making sex part of my life, maybe simply starts by seeing myself as a complete person. Maybe it means crying all the tears I have at the idea that sex can be so hurtful. It maybe means seeing my mind and body as a whole, and accept that both are intricate and part of my sex life. Maybe it means saying stop, even if it’s scary because this is all I feel like saying right now. Maybe it’s just leaving my hands on my belly, showering, checking how it feels to pat my legs with my fingers (yes, I am trying some news things!), dance, give attention to unloved parts of my body (yes, even your crooked big toe pushing the one next to it sexy #SexyIsInYourHead)
And this is important for all of us, none of us only makes love with our sex, right?
We talk a lot about loving ourselves the way we are, taking care of our mental health, accepting our light and our darkness. Same goes for our bodies. Loving ourselves the way, we are is making love with every part of us, the obvious ones and the not so obvious, the beautiful and the “ugly,” body and heart. Everything, because no one can be confined to a part of their personality or body. There is nothing to win. There is just to be, with ourselves first...#LongWayToGo